it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
