There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
