he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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