In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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