I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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