Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
