Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
