dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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