I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
