I wanna bring you to show and tell
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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