I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
