first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
