How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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