just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
