I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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