I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
