I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
