i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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