Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Randomize
