i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
