I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
