redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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