I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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