I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
