I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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