I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
