we need to drink 2009 down the drain
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
my poor anus
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
