u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i came on her dog
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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