I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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