What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
