So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
