So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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