i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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