3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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