I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
