Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Randomize
