Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
