i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Randomize
