So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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