I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Randomize