I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
