I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
