Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
