Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Randomize
