I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
