another moral hangover. fuck.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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