I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
