Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
