so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
