I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
