He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
