Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
