At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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