Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
