this just has baby written all over it
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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