remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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