I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
