alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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