You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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