If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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