Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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