I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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