Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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