she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
