I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
