Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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